Taking Negative Stock
Today is one of those crappy days.
It is one of those days when everything seems to be going badly (wry smile). I miss my daughter acutely. The Ex blocks me from having a normal connection with her by phone or Skype, outside of the minimum specific day that he is ordered to by court, during his very long stretches with her. In the meantime, I fill my life with new ideas, always eager for her fortnightly return home to me. She is growing up with a mother who has been trapped in Australia and cut off from all previous forms of survival and thrival (yes, I make up my own words and use creative license in grammar) back home in the States. However, I will take my new possibilities and run with them, for her and for me.
I miss the lost possibility of interviewing for the novelist who might have needed me as an editor for life, until he dies, “basically,” as he wrote previously in his job posting (laughing warmly at his expression and at myself). I really felt connected to his thoughts and his work, though I never got to talk to him. I never got to wow him with my fantastic personality (chuckling some more) and possibly become the one he wanted to give the inspiring employment to. I really thought that my “crazy” might match his “crazy,” but once again I am back in the stew (disappointed chuckle).
On top of these losses, for the sake of my daughter’s well-being and my creative sanity, I have to get my housemate out of our space and replace him.
And, I have a cold (chuckling some more).
It is one of those days where I am supposed to take my own advice, that I write of in this blog, and keep going to figure it out. My new love is writing, and using my brain to find new ways to inspire myself, and others, but I am having trouble seeing it today. I didn’t feel inspired for a little bit, taking classes in practical areas this term, while at the same time trying to find work that would inspire me. I see that the entries I have written so far are not as fantastic a start as I had hoped they would be, in that I am told they show too much of my lingering hurt to inspire anyone else enough, as is my purpose.
I am stuck trying to find a balance between following a friend’s advice and removing my pain from this blog entirely, or trying to find a way to express it that will not turn people away, but instead cause them to want to come back, back to see the example of a person taking her blows and aspiring to follow the thoughts that she espouses.
Taking Positive Stock
The pain is actually fabulous experience that ultimately impels me forward, as it will do for everyone else, in the end. It is rich experience that will cause me to blossom into the knowledge that I have deep inside me, and want to remind others that they have as well, through my example, or my writing (and previously through my healing practice).
The friend, who told me that my writing shows too much hurt, also talks about being practical in life, but “practical” really tees me off. I am a dreamer and I don’t think that is a bad thing. When I resign myself to “practical” my dreams don’t have enough room. Therefore, I am sitting on my current bench of preference, in the dying winter sunlight, about to go to the library to do I don’t know what – shake things up, remind myself that it is my dreams that can make a little room for “practical.”
I was listening earlier to a song on the radio called “Noise,” and I am thinking that all the continual setbacks are noise, noise that I need to tune out, so that I can focus. I need to focus on what is important. Today I think that might be writing this piece and possibly posting it. The writing connects me to my present, my future, connects me to you, connects me to a daughter who may grow up and be influenced by the strength it takes to be in the situation that I am in as her mother. I pray that she may gain her own strength and understanding by observing her mother as a person trying to re-create her own life from the bottom up.
Embracing the Conundrum
So I wonder about how to express the part of me that pains together with the advice to become better, to become amazing. As I float through these words and thoughts, I know a bit about what is necessary. I know that putting it into practice, as an example, takes a whole lot of effort. Some days it seems crazy impossible and other days something wonderful might happen. I know in the future, I might be writing from a place where the “hurt” doesn’t want to show through much. For now, it is there, as it is for all of us at some point. Why not let you, all of you who find the ideas presented in this blog to be of value, also be there to see the raw evolution of potential? To me that seems more exciting than hiding the hurt, the story that is behind the advice and my example.
I am told that people want to be spoon-fed, told that by two friends now, and I am not sure why I can’t be a part of the crowd that wants the full show. Why not lure everyone who wants to be lured into growth, with our messes uncovered, ultimately leading us all to becoming more perfected in beauty, love, and creativity?
I believe we are all of two minds inside ourselves – the small mind, grieves over our struggles, pains, and cravings, while the larger mind senses the greatness of the bigger picture. As a child, the small mind forever resists the greater mind’s direction, striving to protect itself in the illusion that happiness can be attained through collecting things or people. However, on a clear day, the larger mind can see the challenge of living life as a conundrum to be embraced, welcoming in the grand scheme of life, cradling the small mind in it’s arms, soothing it with a lullaby of promises that it is okay to let go, okay to relax and fly to more magical realms of possibility.
Now my day doesn’t feel so crappy anymore. (Chuckling again). And that is how I take my own advice, making today better – doing something I love, which is musing and writing about it. In this way I connect myself once more to the sweet melodies, breathed over me by my caring, gentle, Greater Mind, as I am pressed warmly into her bosom.